Not a victim


                   It was year 2008 I wasnt legally an adult so basically was a kid. I love the rain. I love the sound of thunder. So I had, I still have this habbit of getting soaked in the rain and roam around in the rain. So it was a stormy night. I left home, like around 7 pm, I remember it was after maqrib. I normally go to social centre and sit on a bench. I was just crossing kabaa aisa rani higun when a car came and stopped infront of me. I thought he was gona go. I was in between his car and another one which was parked on the side so there was no where I could move. Then he lowered the window glass down and asked me why I was roaming around and he asked me to get in. I said I was on my way to social so there is no need, I remember saying thank you even.

                  The next thing I knew he was next to me, dragging me into the car, his hands on my mouth while I tried to scream knowing no one was around or no one could hear me. He pushed me to the front seat and got into the car. He pulled his pants down and asked me to touch his penis. I begged him to let me go. He said if I dont do what he asked me to he would hurt me. I just kept asking him to open the door. Then he tried coming on to me and I started fighting back. I started kicking with my legs, my arms whenever I could and I was trying to even open the locked do every now on then. I dont know how to describe those few minutes. But some how the door got unlocked and the door opened. I fell on the ground. I was fast and I started running and a motor bike passed by me which bought me time. I ran for my life. My home was in  one way so I knew he wont be able to come that direction by car. I ran and came home, locked myself inside the bathroom and cried my eyes out. Then only I realised that my scarf was gone.

                  For hours I could hear my heartbeat. I didnt sleep the whole night. Whenever I closed my eyes I kept seeing his face like a monster. I wasnt living with my parents. My mother was my closest friend and I always knew I could talk to her. We use to even have such conversations. But unfortunately we were not under the same roof or on same land then also she was having a rough time so I kept it to myself. I was just going to school and doing my chores. I was acting normal even though I was traumatised inside. I kept saying to myself that I am okay as he didnt penetrate through me. Thats what made me get out of bed every morning.

              Few days later I started having missed calls from a dhiraagu number. So I decided to call back and I did. The hello was the worst sound I ever heard. It was him. I just hung the phone and blocked the number. Later I found out someone from where I was living gave him the number which is another reason I didnt bring it up back then. So my theory is he followed me that night. Any how It didnt end with missed phone calls. He also harrassed me on streets during day time while I walked from CHSE to home. He would just use slang and talk filth then turn around and go back. I went through that shit till I finished my school.

               During that period. I found out he was a dad. His kids went to thaajudhin school. I saw him few times in the morning passing my street with the kids. So I thought how it would affect the kids if I take his sorry ass to  the police. I was too familiar with that feeling. The crappy feeling of knowing your loved one is a crminal. So I couldnt bring myself to do that to those kids. What I didnt realise was I could have saved other teenagers like me. I didnt realise there might be other victims.

                   Last time I saw him was few years back. He didnt recogonise me for sure. Probably beacause I have grown from a teenager to an adult or may be he had lost count of people he had harrassed.  But his face is something I can never forget. The dark skin tone with his giant muscular body is forever in my brain which sucks big time. 

               So what did I learn? I learnt that I made a mistake by keeping it to myself. I should have gone to authorities, since my cloths probably would have had his DNA. I should have talked to someone so that someone could have made it easy for me to deal with the trauma. I should have stood up for myself and other girls like me. I should have fought with every bone in my body till that coward is in jail. I also realised my strength physically and mentally. That was one day I thanked Allah for being huge and strong. The whole thing taught me I can always choose to be a victim or a survior. 

(P.S. The whole point of sharing this is to help someone out there to choose to be a survior but not a victim as well as someone to learn from my mistake of not standing up for myself.)



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